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OK YOU GUYS, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!!
The
Alien Space Drops hatched!!!! What a mess I'm in now. I
left them on my desk, sitting in a nice ray of sun, and
thinking how pretty they looked. Took a shower, came back
to look at them again and all that was left were some shards
of the once beautiful beads. Actually, I don't think
they hatched at all. I think they exploded out of those
beads because there was glass everywhere.
So
I thought, "Oh well, the beads are gone but at least
I'll have some ETs running around the house to amuse me
and my Mom. So I started looking around for
them. I looked everywhere. In closets, under beds,
behind books, you name it and I looked there. I finally
found them under the refrigerator, knawing on crumbs that
must have gotten under there, and huddled close to the fan.
Perhaps the sound of the fan reminded them of whatever space
ship bought them here, I don't know. I do know that they
are born totally mature and able to reproduce because I
saw a pile of new Alien Space Drops right next to them.
All clearly marked "Oven", "Closet",
"Under Dryer", "Bathroom Sink", "Furnace".
So
I called the Police and told them I was being invaded. The
officer I spoke to said "Sure Lady, We're all being
invaded. Take a nap and sleep it off. Things will look better
in the morning". I reassured him I was not drunk or
insane and told him to send someone over. They did.........and
that's when it really started to get hectic.
The
Police called NASA and NASA moves fast. They were
here within a few hours. Well if you think Captain
Kirk and Mr. Spock had problems with Tribbles on the Enterprise,
their problems were a splinter in the toe while what we've
got here is more like a telephone pole up the you-know-what.
Talk about exponential growth!!! By the time NASA
got here their were Alien Space Drops everywhere. Not
only were they on everything that has a surface, they were
in the ducts, appliances, drawers. Turn a faucet and twenty
of them would fall out. They got in the electrical sockets
and shorted the whole line out. But not before they blew
every TV in the house out. Did you ever smell fried aliens?
Believe me, if you had you would never forget it. So now
there is a horrible stench coming out of every electrical
socket. The TVs are out on the lawn they smelled so bad.
The
transformation in NASA officials has been incredible. Over
the last few hours they have turned from know-it-all, arrogant,
superior acting scientists to quivering masses of Jello.
They are terrified. Now they are finding Alien Space Drops
in their pockets, in their ears, you can't imagine all the
places they are finding them.
NASA
called the FBI, CIA, CID, Homeland Security, Army, Navy,
Marines, Coast Guard, National Guard (only a few of them
showed up because most of them are in Iraq) and all the
Reserves that aren't in Iraq. No one can get in or out of
the neighborhood, and now they are starting to put a huge
tent over the property hoping to stop their spread. We are
quarantined. Can you believe it???
Of
course calls to the White House are constant. Bush thinks
the whole thing is a new WMD, and is going on TV tonight
and blaming it on Sadam, hoping to use it as a justification
for his invasion of Iraq. The Department of Homeland Security
has us on top level alert, the FBI is saying that the Mafia
has something to do with it, and the CIA is calling the
Mafia to ask them. The Army just wants to come in and Napalm
the entire neighborhood, the Navy wants to start to dredge
a canal from the ocean to Southern Pines with the help of
the Army Corps of Engineers so they can float a Fast Attack
Sub and one of their Destroyers up here, and the Marines
are all standing outside chanting "Kill, Kill, Kill"
and "Lock n Load". NASA wants to vacuum all the
Alien Space Drops up, package them, and send them on the
next shuttle. The Air Force is arguing that we can't take
wait that long. They want to get a flight-ready SR-71 out
of storage and take the ASDs up in them and drop them on
Iran and North Korea. The Born Again Christians are here
singing about Armageddon and talking in tongues, the Athiests
are singing "See there is no God". Tom Delay is
here giving news conferences and making remarks like "And
you guys were worried about a little trip to Russia?",
and even John Kerry is here saying "See, if we had
my health plan we wouldn't have had to worry about this".
Naturally there are mobs of space freaks with signs that
say "Take me to your leader". Even Hillary was
here saying that in light of the present threat to our nation
and the lack of preparedness on the part of the Republicans,
she is announcing her candidacy early. The Sierra Club has
shown up and has issued a statement that it is our pollution
of the environment that is responsible for attracting aliens,
Martha Stewart has gotten release time and just showed up
to open a food concession. The last arrival was Ralph Nader
who is preparing a statement putting all the blame on General
Motors. I have no idea who or what will show up next, but
I hear a rumbling in the distance and someone said it sounds
like tanks.
It's
a real mess down here.
I'm
getting the third degree about the source of the ASDs and
so far I have protected you and said nothing at all. I said
I "just found them". They asked me what all the
5 Fish envelopes were about and I've told them 5 Fish was
sort of like a mail "Take Out" that we use. One
guy asked me what I was doing with a Male Take Out at my
age and wanted to know if I was some kind of sex maniac,
and I had to spend an hour explaining the difference between
the word "Mail" and "Male". He still
didn't get it, so now my reputation is ruined. The newspapers
jumped on that in a flash so tomorrow's headlines are going
to read "School Teacher released Alien eggs while patronizing
Male Take Out service backed by Sadam. Former Iraqi leader
refuses to admit connection with Aliens or existence of
new WMD. Bush states "We should have gone in earlier".
Rice appealing to UN, Haliburton stock rises to new levels."
All
I can ask is, "Is this some kind of diabolical plot
against me? First you want to ruin me financially by getting
me addicted to your beads. Now you want to speed up the
homeless process by knowing my home will now be napalmed
and I will be evicted, and I can't show my face anywhere
because everyone thinks I started the whole thing and am
a sex pervert on top of that. My neighbors hate me, everyone
thinks this is my fault, what did I ever do to you guys
anyhow?
Well,
I hope your satisfied.
Love,
Linda
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